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I'm a Writer

Putting this down here so I don't have the thoughts circulating my head at 2:00 a.m., keeping me up at night. Talking into my phone so I don't need to look at the screen, so there's probably typos. 

I felt appreciated and seen today. Too creative directors have gone out of their way to make sure I am included in their meetings and pretty much lead the charge. They seem to value my input and my opinions, and I think I've already made it abundantly clear that I maintain a lot of value beyond just writing. I'm presented as the defacto source for numerous things outside my scope, which makes me look great. 

The problem is I don't have enough spoons to go around. I love that I'm getting to work with all these different teams and creative directors, especially, because I'm learning how other people do things and different strategies. But people are demanding forks and spoons and knives and chopsticks... And I only have spoons. And I ran out of spoons in the first half of the day. I gave them to the tech tier, but the art tier wants them. And so does the rooftop. And so does Grand terminal. And so does Matthew. And so does Jason, and so does Zack. 

I'm aware this makes me look good, but at the end of the day I'm not stupid: a contract is a contract is a contract, and it hasn't end date. You can put in all the work in the world and be the best employee with the best record who everyone loves, but when your contract is up, it's up. And I can't please everyone. And I can't kill myself, either. 

Something else I learned about myself today is that I apparently "take up a lot of space." Jon said it in what was probably not meant to be an insult or negative way, but the implication was still clear. And while I think he meant physically, it occurred to me pretty soon after that I also take up a lot of conversational space. I talk a lot. I get excitable and ask questions and contribute and jump in. I suppose if I wasn't so friendly appearing, I would probably come across as nagging or annoying or stupid.. maybe I do. It's hard when you're a woman to not have a negative impact. 

Put 2 a degree, I like that about me. I like that I'm not afraid to ask questions or stand up for what I believe in. To say that I don't think this is a good ride vehicle and we should discuss something more appropriate and more thoughtful. Because that's what leads us to better design. I like telling people I think they have good ideas. I like letting people know that I am listening. I like getting up and writing down people's thoughts and helping us guide the direction. But am I taking up too much space and not leaving it enough for others? 

I suppose I should ask some other people and get their opinion. But not just women, men, too. 
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