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Randomness

I'm feeling down but also in need of a creative outlet at the moment. I don't have the mental energy or time to do anything of substance, so I Googled creative things to do online and blogging was something that came up. That's right. I have a blog.

I don't really have anything I want to talk about - sure, there are things TO talk about, but I just don't want to - so I'll just talk about random things.

1) The Great British Bake Off is the happiest show I know, so I have the soundtrack playing right now in the background while my bathtub fills. I'm trying to give myself a little impromptu spa treatment here to cheer myself up. There's no real reason why I'm upset. I'm just simply depressed. I feel like I'm being weighed down by an accumulation of umbrella factors.

2) It's 11:30pm and I'm wide awake despite having less than 6 hours of sleep and feeling like today was a week long. I had a massage first thing in the morning before work, picked up food for our little John Gurda fundraiser, had lunch at Colectivo, grabbed a coffee at Stone Creek on the way back to work, did a lot more running around, cut up an insane amount of cheese, created a bunch of cheese and fruit platters, stuck around for only an hour and a half of the program, then ditched to go straight to Liquid Motion and Strength and Conditioning class at Miss Pole from 7-9pm. I don't know why, but I was feeling just fine until I got to class. Then suddenly, I had no energy and was overwhelmed by this overarching feeling of doom. Like I was doomed to live alone, support myself forever, struggle with friends, fight for a normal paying job that people much younger than me have and didn't ever have to work for. That I would never become the person I wanted to be. I felt unattached to my exercise classes but they didn't challenge me physically, either. Now that I'm home, you'd think I'd be exhausted but I'm not. I'm just in a weird funk.

3) Partially, I can't stop thinking about Meow Wolf. For context, although I didn't actually want to write it down anywhere to jinx myself, Jenny interviewed me last Monday. Today, she asked me for references. I always feel awful when people ask for references, because I simply don't have any. It's not that I was ever bad at my job or anything; it's just that I don't stay in contact with my coworkers when they or I leave, so they're only good for about a year or so from when I was working there. I'm also always terrified that my references might not be very good: that they might not be very eloquent or do me any favors. So this time I made sure to put people that I thought could do that, like Briony and Meredith. I put Mateen on there, even though she is questionable in terms of speech, but she always speaks very highly of me and will put me on a pedestal for them. And she can speak of many of the projects I did and ability to network.

I hope to God that I get it. I just don't know what I'll do if I don't. I can't handle this anymore, and I would so desperately like to go to TEA SATE and be able to say I got a job in the industry.

But then there's the catch 22 that I'm afraid of the move. Will I like Santa Fe? Will I be lonely? Is it a big enough city that I'd be able to relocate my hobbies like pole and krav? Those are very important parts of my life now, and I'd hate to lose them in a town where I'm already feeling alone with no support network. Being in Denver sounds better, but that's only temporary, so what will making friends look like there?

I couldn't get a pet, although I would desperately want one. I guess maybe I could foster. I'd certainly try to find a way around it.

I'd be leaving home right before the holidays without any vacation to come back. That would be extra lonely. I've been in other states over holidays, but never Christmas and never so soon after moving. I'd literally be settling in while also being holiday homesick at the same exact time. That sounds terrible.

But -- I'd have to do it. Because this right now, this here, is awful. I can't deal with it anymore. I need a future.

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