Frank Lloyd Wright tour, Beetlejuice, and Nick (SeaWorld)

 Some photos from the Frank Lloyd Wright architecture tour in Lakeland I went on last weekend.

My favorite building. It was like a small church. The main church was hideous and uninviting.

A door I loved inside the small church.

I loved the landscaping cutouts. These were incorporated into some of the stairs.

All in all, it was a good tour. We saw something like 10 buildings, all part of a college. They were, in typical FLW fashion, mostly unfunctional (like a library with no electrical outlets or access and wobbly, uncomfortable chairs). In fact, some of it, like the main church, were some of the ugliest things to date that I've seen him make. It didn't help that the buildings clearly weren't being kept up well. It's a Methodist university, and I'm not sure how much money they have. 

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I also saw Beetlejuice Beetlejuice (the second movie) twice over the weekend. Once was with Melody and her husband, Stephen, and the second time was with Jared Wells, the Disney writer (he's the one I went on the architecture tour with). It was more pop-y and upbeat that the original, less dark and spooky; but it was fun and adventurous. I didn't hate it. I just wish they hadn't made Lydia so different from her OG personality. The broody goth side of her was what made her iconic. But Beetlejuice was on-point most of the time. The writers seemed to have trouble channeling him in the beginning and end.

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Nick. Let's talk about Nick. 5 years from now I'll be like: who was Nick? Which is a good thing because it will mean that have I moved on, and it's good to think about a future like that. It helps put things in perspective. And it's also making me realize I should perhaps second guess what I'm thinking about currently. 

Who will Nick be to me in 5 years? Who would I want him to be, and how do I move towards that? In 5 years... 

Wow. I just realized I'm really struggling with this. It's occurred to me that I've never actually had to break up with a friend before. I've grown apart from them, or they did me (or we did mutually), but I've never had to conscientiously tell them I no longer want to be friends. 

Would this have been easier if I hadn't said anything to him? Just ghosted and ghosted until he got the hint (but was equally confused)? The timing was poor (with my pool party on Friday and appointment to watch the Bee movie with him on Saturday) and perhaps, the most pertinent factor in play. Lying to him that the pool party was cancelled wouldn't have sat right, and cancelling Saturday (and avoiding questions to reschedule) would have sat equally as poorly. I don't think ghosting would have made this any less awkward. 

So in 5 years... what do I want my relationship (or non-existent one) with him to look like? 

I don't know. 

We are not hanging out regularly, I know that. If he's still with Kelli (which he will be), will I want to deal with that? I'm not obligated to. If I don't want to deal with that, I don't have to. He's not worth any discomfort I'd need to go through. The benefit to suffering ratio is off-balance. 

I think... if my gut needed to choose something right now (which it doesn't), I'd say it would just be a friendly professional colleague situation, like with Molly. Where we grab coffee every now and again and catch up, then part ways. Maybe. 

This morning I put some KSC tickets and a letter in the mail. It said:

        My parents' visit and the SeaWorld comp
        tickets were just bad timing, truly.
        But I understand why it might have hit in a way
        that feels personal, so I want to return the favor.
        Please enjoy a visit with your mom and a friend
        sometime. I hope you have a great time and
        get to see some dolphins.
                                                    - Caitlin

I feel a lot better now that I've sent it. I was stuck in a stress cycle, feeling like I needed closure of some kind, or at least like I needed to make some move. I didn't like that he brought up him giving my parents free tickets, and I didn't want that misunderstanding and resentment to build over time. 

If I'm being honest here (and I try to be), I was fine letting him go until Bryan deep searched his new girlfriend, Kelli, when we were sitting on the couch the other day. I didn't need him to do that, and I already new it was a bad idea. It ended up stirring all sorts of terrible feelings that now I'm stuck dealing with. She's pretty (gorgeous, to be honest. She has beautiful hair I only wish I could have). She's smart. She's successful. She's skinny. She's rich. She has nice clothes. She went to an expensive and prestigious university. She's close to her (rich) family. She loves God. No wonder Nick likes her. She's way above his league. She's probably above my league. 

(But I'm fun. I'm one of a kind. I'm unique, I'm funny, I've got weird stories and do things other people find strange and interesting. I'm a blast to be around and hopefully too, I'm a good friend. Plus, I've got an interesting, creative job; and I, myself, am creative.)

My first thought when I saw her was that she's your basic white-collar rich religious white girl. The Pumpkin Spice Latte, painted-"Home is where family is"-on-a-board type. Bland, except that Nick makes her sound really adventurous and exciting. Although from the photos, I get the impression that she's just cutesy and that's where her personality and humor comes from. Mormon housewife type stuff.

Of course, I'm just projecting. She's probably delightful. But it's because of these things that all these feelings I didn't have before popped up. Suddenly, I feel like I was in competition -- with a girl I couldn't compete with. With all her money and her family fortune and her expensive haircut and her PhD. And her "so grateful to be spending winter break with God" vomit-inducing Facebook post. But that's exactly the type of girl Nick wants. Or is convinced he wants. And that's her. 

So why was he interested in me? That's what's driving me crazy since Bryan found this girl. Why flirt around with me when he's got this gorgeous, smart girl (the love of his life) who checks every box... flirting with him? And he's interested in her back. Why make advances towards me? 

I didn't need closure before, but now I feel like I do. I can only think of a few explanations, and they all make me feel bad in a different way.

1. He liked her, but he might have liked me more; and he was dealing with the confusion of the girl he used to like (who he probably still likes) liking him suddenly. But why suddenly start flirting with me now? Why not before? Why did it coincide with when he told me he like Kelli?
• This aligns with the fact that he had never brought up Kelli to me before I asked, and he seemed to be hiding her for a bit. And after that, he didn't bring her up often himself, it was usually after I asked him about it. 
• HOWEVER, he specifically asked me if he could invite Kelli to my pool party, which implies he likes her over me and wanted to show her off/introduce her to me. 
• He could have also been trying to get me jealous so that I would ask him out. 
  
  
2. He wanted to see if someone would make a move first (Kelli or I) and was getting pleasure from having the attention of two girls at once. He might have said yes to whoever asked him first. 
   
   
3. To expand on both 1 and 2, he was using one of us (probably me. I don't think he had any intention of asking me out and would have rather waited) as a backup in case the other one (probably Kelli) didn't agree to a date.
   
   
4. He never had any intentions at all with me and just got off thinking I liked him after he liked me all this time.  

They get progressively more malicious. 

Now I feel like I need to know the answer when I didn't before. I guess the ball's in my court and I can reach back out if I want (if he's not so mad he doesn't want to talk anymore), but I want to sit on it a bit some more. And now that I've sent the letter, the most logical thing is to wait to see if he tries to re-initiate the conversation; because by me sending it, I've opened the door back up a crack. But he doesn't interpret cues the way a normal person would, so he might not see this as an invitation. I hope his knee-jerk responses so far are a good sign and it will continue just this once. Because that would figure if it didn't. 

Mail pick-up isn't until 5pm today, so the earliest it would get to his house is Thursday evening, and that's if he even checks his mail on a regular basis and if he would even open it after he sees it's from me. There's a good chance he does neither of these these. But I hope he does, and I hope he takes the risk and texts me. 

So I guess if in another week's time, maybe two, I feel like I want that closure still, I can reach out. But I need to move. the. fuck. on. in the meantime. I can't keep living every day attached to this situation. 

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Ending on something that makes me feel good: I found out through the process of getting Nick's address that his dad actually owns his house. It's in his name, not Nick's. And not his mom's. That explains why his dad was living with him for a little bit (or, rather, why Nick was living with his dad for a little bit). It doesn't even look like it's co-signed and also in Nick's name. Which means he doesn't have the money for house and his dad, his deadbeat dad, bought him it. This isn't his asset.